There are common themes that emerge when I gather with my female friends lately.
We reflect on our lives, and we question the belief systems that once seemed solid. It’s as if we can see the invisible threads holding things together. We tug on one of the threads, and the whole tangled thing falls apart.
Many of these threads shape the stories we tell about our bodies, about aging, about who we are allowed to be at this phase in our lives, and about what we are allowed to look like.
One of the very interesting, and surprising untanglings I experienced happened a few years ago when my hair started falling out.
I was losing chunks of hair in the shower, and I noticed a bald spot starting to emerge.
I spent the next year spending all kinds of money on fancy hair vitamins, scalp massagers, and doctor appointments to figure out why this was happening.
My doctor kept suggesting that I stop dying my hair, because maybe I had become allergic to the dye that I had been using for almost 25 years.
I couldn’t imagine myself without my dark brown hair. Wouldn’t that make me look old? Would I become invisible? Would I feel ugly? Would I still be recognized as a person with value?
The tangled web of stories that I had been told about aging and beauty were blinding me from being able to stop using the hair dye that was probably damaging my scalp, and causing me to lose my hair.
I needed help, and I needed to change how I was thinking about these things. I needed a new story.
A friend connected me with an online community of women who were all going through the process of stopping the dye, and letting their hair turn silver.
I was surprised to see hundreds of women, cheering each other on, and looking absolutely gorgeous!
Many women were sharing their before and after pictures, and I couldn’t help but notice that these women looked even more beautiful with their natural hair. I noticed a kind of softening, and an unmistakable vitality and confidence that shone through their eyes.
After a few months of filling myself up with these new stories, and with the support of these other women, I threw away my last box of dye.
I watched the silver stripe at the top of my head widen. For the first few months, I covered it up with brown powder. Then, it became too wide to do that.
I had to embrace the color change that was happening, and, to be honest, it was an awkward time. I was also going through menopause at this time, and as you probably know, there were a lot of FEELINGS.
Unexpectedly, people started stopping me on the street to tell me how much they loved the color of my hair. And, a few friends at work became inspired to stop dying their hair too.
The more that my dyed hair grew out, the more compliments I got. The bald spot disappeared and my hair grew thicker than before. I now have silvery white locks with some brown streaks.
It is so much more beautiful than the flat brown color from the dye.
I now think of my hair as my silver crown. It feels like a kind of magic, and I love it.
“The ways in which we think about who we are depend on the stories we tell about who we are. Find your own story about who you are. Find a story in which you can shine; then reinforce it, embody it and tell it. Refuse all other stories which would reduce you. You are your own story; tell it your way.” –Sharon Blackie
Letting my hair relax into its natural silvery self was the beginning of an inner transformation that began when I questioned where this fear of looking old was coming from. I have been reflecting on the stories that I’ve heard from other women about aging, and I realized that most of these stories are not true or interesting.
For many years, I have heard older women say that they felt invisible. I wondered if I would feel that way too.
As a 52 year old woman with a full head of silver hair, I don’t feel invisible at all. I still feel connected to people. I feel like I am IN my community, and I have friends that inspire me.
In conversations with my friends, one common theme is that we know what is truly valuable. Our focus and discernment has become sharper; we know what we want and we know who we are. We are becoming elders–full of wisdom, and full of a deeper kind of vitality.
Here are some of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately:
What happens when we stop contorting ourselves to fit into the tiny boxes that the culture offers?
What happens when we recognize that our value comes from knowing who we are, and what we love?
What happens when, instead of being afraid of aging, we become curious about it?
What are the stories we’ve been telling ourselves, and are they true and helpful?
Letting my hair go wild and natural has been a gift. I also see it as a metaphor for the inner transformation of becoming more fully myself. It’s a kind of letting go–a liberation.
I love to see more women untangling themselves from the old stories about who they are allowed to be, and how they are allowed age.
I am also excited to see how our culture changes as we wake up in new ways, and let ourselves be who we were meant to be.
Marni Sclaroff is a life coach, writer, artist and yoga teacher who brings a lifelong passion for living a creative and purposeful life to people all over the world. With more than 30 years of experience in the holistic, visual and movement arts, and a Master’s Degree in Art Education, she is well-versed in the languages of artistry and transformation. Find her on instagram.
Hair changes are just one of the many unexpected surprises that can come with midlife. If you’re navigating menopause too, explore our Menopause Library for expert advice, personal stories, and reassurance that you’re not alone.
