Some people are born into their NFL team. Their parents dressed them in a tiny jersey before they could walk, taught them which team they were supposed to hate and sent them off into adulthood with a fully formed football allegiance. They were fortunate enough to be born into not just a family, but a football dynasty.
And then there are the rest of us.
For those of us not born into an NFL family, we spend the fall pretending to ignore our friends as they cheer on their teams, feigning apathy at the football appetizer posts on social media that we secretly drool over and spending our Sundays doing things like reading books or cleaning the house.
But we want our Sundays to be more. We want the ritual. We want the excitement. And, mostly, we want the fun football-themed snacks.
The problem is, you need a team.
Luckily, if you’re Gen X, you probably know more about the NFL than you think you do and you may already have a secret NFL allegiance. You just don’t know it yet.
The NFL was everywhere in ’80s and ’90s pop culture. Football players showed up in our movies, sitcoms and commercials. Teams became SNL sketches. Quarterbacks had breakfast cereals. Starter jackets turned team logos into fashion statements for kids who couldn’t name a single person on the roster.
So we’re not going to choose your team based on stats, current standings or who has the best chance of making the Super Bowl.
We’re going to choose it based on the things that actually matter: the completely random pieces of Gen X pop culture that have been taking up space in your brain for the past 30 years.
If You Still Say “Da Bears” in a Terrible Chicago Accent: Chicago Bears
You know the accent I’m referring to. Whether you were old enough to watch SNL in 1991 or not, you have “Da Bears” seared into your brain. You can picture the pub where Bill Swerski’s Superfans met, and you can vividly see Norm from Cheers in his Bears jersey in your head.
“Da Bears” quickly became one of those SNL references that escaped the sketch and became part of the culture. It is ubiquitous with the 90s. You didn’t need to live in Chicago. You didn’t even need to watch football. You just needed access to NBC, the permission to stay up late and the willingness to attempt a truly terrible Chicago accent.
More than 30 years later, you may not know who’s currently playing for the Bears. You may not know whether they’re having a good season. You may not even entirely understand what a first down is.
But if someone says “Chicago Bears,” your brain immediately responds:
“DA BEARS.”
That’s an allegiance.
Congratulations. You’re a Bears fan.
If “Laces Out” Means Something to You: Miami Dolphins
Some people know Dan Marino as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. You know him as the guy who got kidnapped in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
In 1994, Ace Ventura taught an entire generation more about the Miami Dolphins than many of us had ever learned from actually watching football. We knew their mascot was a dolphin named Snowflake. We knew Dan Marino. We knew Ray Finkle had been carrying around a grudge over a missed field goal for an alarmingly long time.
And, most importantly, we knew the laces were supposed to be out.
You may have never willingly watched a Dolphins game in your life, but you’ve been carrying around an oddly specific piece of fictional Miami Dolphins history for more than 30 years.
Laces out, Dan.
If You Owned a Cowboys Starter Jacket Despite Never Setting Foot in Texas: Dallas Cowboys
Every school had at least one kid who was inexplicably a Dallas Cowboys fan. They didn’t live in Dallas. They didn’t have family in Texas. They probably couldn’t find Dallas on a map. They may even have been Canadian. But they had the jacket.
The Cowboys were unavoidable in the ’90s. Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin became household names while the team won three Super Bowls in four years. And that blue and silver star was everywhere.
For a while, your choice of professional sports team had less to do with geography or family loyalty and more to do with which logo looked best on an enormous jacket that made a swishing sound when you walked down the hallway at school.
So maybe you became a Cowboys fan because you watched them win Super Bowls.
Or maybe you became a Cowboys fan because the jacket was cool.
Thirty years later, does it really matter? And thankfully, since our childhood has now become “vintage” and “trendy,” you can find your own Starter jacket on eBay for the low low price of $300.
If You Remember Flutie Flakes: Buffalo Bills
There are celebrity endorsements, and then there is putting an NFL quarterback on a box of frosted corn flakes.
Doug Flutie joined the Buffalo Bills in 1998 after spending years playing in the CFL. He quickly became an NFL darling and was rewarded with his own cereal.
Yes, an actual cereal.
But the Bills’ Gen X credentials go much deeper than breakfast food. The Bills went to the Super Bowl four years in a row in the early ’90s.
They lost all four.
Four consecutive Super Bowls. Four consecutive losses.
That is an almost incomprehensible level of heartbreak, and yet Bills fans kept coming back.
Honestly, what could be more Gen X than experiencing repeated disappointment, making a sarcastic comment about it and showing up again next week?
So if you love an underdog story and a (semi-)nutritious breakfast cereal…
Welcome to Bills Mafia.
If You Remember Brett Favre as Mary’s Ex-Boyfriend or still quote Red Forman: Green Bay Packers
You may not have watched a single Green Bay Packers game in the ’90s, but you still knew Brett Favre.
Mostly because he dated Cameron Diaz.
Okay, technically he dated Mary, but when Favre showed up near the end of There’s Something About Mary as Mary’s ex-boyfriend “Brett,” the joke worked because he was famous enough that everyone got it.
And if that wasn’t enough to make the Packers part of your pop culture vocabulary, That ’70s Show arrived the same year and taught us that living in Wisconsin apparently meant two things: drinking beer and being deeply, deeply invested in the Green Bay Packers.
Red Forman wanted Packers season tickets. Brett Favre wanted Mary.
And somehow, without ever meaning to, you learned an awful lot about Green Bay.
Sounds like a Packers fan to us.
So there you have it. You didn’t need to understand football after all. You just needed to remember the ’90s.
Whether your allegiance comes from an SNL sketch, a Jim Carrey movie, a breakfast cereal, a Starter jacket or Cameron Diaz’s fictional dating history, you officially have a team.
Now you can spend your Sundays the way you’ve always wanted: yelling at the television, pretending you understand pass interference and eating an unreasonable amount of football-themed snacks.
Now that we’ve chosen your NFL team based entirely on ’90s pop culture, why stop there? Take our highly scientific quiz to find out which Emmy-nominated show you should watch next.
