By Elizabeth “Bitsy” Hamilton
Experiencing a breakup is challenging, no matter how it happens. “Good” breakups, the ones where two amazing, wonderful people part ways because a romantic relationship isn’t aligned, can be some of the toughest to navigate. They’re the breakups that neither of you wants to happen, where you wish things were different, and it’s sad and disappointing for you both. No one has done anyone wrong; it’s simply not meant to be in this time and space.
Where these kinds of breakups can become particularly challenging is when we share them with others. No matter how well-intentioned our friends and family may be, they can still hurt our healing. All too often, others will jump in to say “He was a jerk!”, “I never liked her”, or “They weren’t good enough for you.” When the sentiments of others run counter to our own, it’s hurtful. It can make us feel defensive of our ex and separate us from our support network, increasing our isolation. Phrases like “Don’t give him another thought” dismiss the grieving process that we each must go through after a breakup. It invalidates our experience and our emotions around the breakup, encouraging us to “stuff” those feelings away, unprocessed. We end up pretending everything is fine and either process alone or not at all. It can also cause us to question our feelings for the person we’ve just broken up with and ask if we were wrong to ever care for them, effectively teaching us not to trust ourselves in future matters of the heart.
These breakups are even harder when children are involved and the relationships have been long-term. We have to think about what impact the breakup has on children and our broader groups of family and friends. Will you still see your ex at your child’s graduation? Will you still spend holidays together in some capacity? Will your ex forever be your mom’s favorite? Will you still be friends with the friends you made as a couple? Again, it’s important to think about who we want to share with and what we want to share. How do the “evil ex” stories impact the rest of your world and your children?
Five Tips for Supporting a Friend’s Breakup:
- Offer consolation. “I’m sorry to hear that.” or “How are you doing with the breakup?”
- Actively listen to your friend. Seek to understand where your friend is with the situation and how they’re processing. Let them take the lead and show you what they need. Respect that what they need may change even from day to day as they navigate the breakup.
- Avoid making judgmental statements like “He’s a jerk!” or “She wasn’t ever good enough for you.” These create a divide between you and your friend, separating them from the needed support.
- Be honest about how and when you can show up for your friend. You may not be available for late-night calls or texts or constant companionship, but coffee or lunch could be an ideal way to help cheer your friend up. It’s important to be aware of how much support you have the bandwidth to offer.
- This is about your friend and their experience. It is not about you, your past relationships, or your opinions about their ex or their relationship style. Reserve those conversations for when your friend asks for your input. Or not at all.
As someone who is experiencing a breakup, it’s important to protect yourself and have boundaries with friends and loved ones. Those boundaries can be things like:
- Waiting to share the change in your relationship status until you have had time to process the initial phase of the breakup. Carefully consider which people you share information with at which stage. Relationships and breakups are personal; they do not need to be broadcast to everyone in your circle. This includes refraining from making sweeping public statements or adjustments to your social media. Make changes quietly, if needed.
- Being clear that you need support and asking if your person is able to give it at that time. You are likely to receive a better response if everyone is on the same page about your needs.
- Prefacing sharing your breakup with a boundary. “I care for and respect my ex, please be respectful of them as I share this information with you.” “We have children, and this is their other parent. Please be mindful of that.”
- Be willing to separate yourself from friends who do not respect your boundaries. These don’t need to be permanent, but it’s better to take space than to compromise your boundaries. If a friend is making you uncomfortable, take space.
- Remember that there’s no need to share every emotion you have about your breakup or your ex with your entire support network. Be selective about those you share with.
Breakups aren’t easy, especially the “best” of them. They are made harder in our culture of social media, constant feedback, and instant gratification. There is always someone or something that will tell you what you should be doing or how to do it all better.
It’s important to screen those sources through our own intuition, not creating an echo chamber, but rather a supportive nest for our grief. Social media is a culprit here. As soon as your algorithm hears “breakup”, your feed will be full of posts about breakups. The algorithm unwittingly creates an echo chamber. Pay close attention to which sources you’re being exposed to. Is this a random meme account that you don’t follow? Decline the post. Is this an actual expert? Worth consideration. Be sure that what you’re seeing supports how you want to be beyond the breakup. Reduce or eliminate anything else. It may even be worth cleaning out your entire social media following list. Consider your values and listen to your gut. Take time away from the feedback loop to get outdoors or do activities you enjoy that don’t revolve around the breakup.
Breakups are a transition. From an “us” to a “me”, often with physical relocations and changes. Sleeping alone again. Doing the chores alone. Missing aspects of your ex. There is a grief process that needs to be honored. Give yourself the space to do so authentically so that you can move forward in ways that are aligned with your values and goals, rather than being reactions. Trust yourself. Project your peace and your integrity.
In the end, a breakup deserves a respectful healing process. Not every relationship needs to be rewritten as a mistake for us to move forward. Sometimes two people can care deeply for each other and still recognize that their paths no longer align. Allowing that truth to exist without blame protects your integrity and honors the relationship for what it was. Healing isn’t about proving someone was wrong for you. It’s about giving yourself the space to grieve, reflect, and eventually move forward with clarity and self-trust.
About Elizabeth “Bitsy” Hamilton
Elizabeth “Bitsy” Hamilton (www.eahamilton.com) is an International Coach Federation (ICF)-certified life coach and author of the forthcoming book Own It: A Guide to Confidence, Clarity, and Unshakable Self-Trust (Spring 2026). With more than 20 years of experience as an advisor, educator, and coach, she helps individuals and organizations navigate major life transitions with clarity and resilience. As the founder of EA Hamilton Coaching and Consulting, Bitsy specializes in guiding clients through divorce, empty-nesting, career shifts, and identity rediscovery. Her signature Own It Framework supports people in moving from emotional reactivity to intentional, values-driven action rooted in authenticity, vulnerability, and accountability. Based in Austin, Texas, Bitsy is a member of the Forbes Coaches Council and was a 2025 TEDxRound Rock Women speaker.
