Suzanna Parpos
Somewhere in the 90s, I left my bangs behind. It was freeing to part with the daily grind of taming the cowlick; I vowed I’d never have bangs, again. Fast forward thirty years, and I’m on the verge of eating those words.
Bangs wouldn’t be part of some midlife crisis. Maybe my recent lobe piercing has me hopeful in the potential beauty of change. For the record, the lobe piercing I got for my birthday wasn’t part of some midlife crisis; it was part of a, “taking one for the team,” and showing my niece that ear piercings don’t hurt.
The stud has since been replaced by a climber. Bringing back the double piercing in one ear has me open to the possibility of bringing back a helix piercing, though the healing process for the last one of those I had was just as aggravating as styling the damn cowlick. The more I think about it, someone who doesn’t use hair products, other than shampoo and conditioner, probably shouldn’t cut curtain bangs.
I guess that’s that, and I can end the self-debate on whether to bang or not to bang. Life won’t be schooling me this time, unlike the other times it [life] has schooled me:
Me for 37 years: “I’m never getting a dog.”
Me at 38: “Happy Birthday, my son! You’re getting a puppy!”
Me for 40 years: “I’ll never ride on a motorcycle.”
Me at 41: “Wheeeee,” as I ride on the passenger seat of a Harley.
Me in the perimenopause marathon: “I’ll never bunny hop my way into the size 0s or 2s.”
Me, years later, still in the perimenopause marathon: “Thank you, Old Navy, for the super sale price on jeans,” as I add size 2s into the online shopping cart.
I didn’t expect to regret breaking-up with the denim. The expansion in circumference of multiple body parts had me confident I was making the right decision in the closet clean-out. I had kept all those pair of blues long enough, but then acceptance of a middle-aged woman’s reality settled in.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s a pleasant surprise to be in an, “on-again, off-again” relationship with size 2s. It’s the financing of the Brenda Walsh-Dylan McKay relationship, or maybe it’s more Ross Gellar-Rachel Green, that’s hard. My advice to full-time working single moms in perimenopause? Keep all the clothes, or if need be, shop super sales, like Old Navy’s $20 pair of jeans.
It’s too soon to say if I’ll be spending the holidays with my size 2s; I’m probably a turkey drumstick and slice of apple pie away from being, “off-again,” with them. That’s the magic of the most wonderful time of year(s) for perimenopausal women.
Perimenopause – it’s kind of like The Season of Giving, but instead of gifts, its symptoms. And instead of a season, it’s many, MANY seasons – I’ve honestly lost count of the number of winters, springs, summers and falls.
Maybe the ever-shifting nature and surprise element of perimenopause, and which symptom it will “gift” next, yielded to the contemplation of curtain bangs. If I’m looking for a change that I can control, though, I should just bring back the side part of my early thirties. The trend has the stamp of approval from the Victoria’s Secret Angels that gave the [side] part its comeback in the 2025 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Most importantly, unlike curtain bangs, a side part wouldn’t put my tinsel in a tangle.
Less chaos in the morning routine is key, especially with Ugly Christmas Sweater season upon us. It’s a, “yes,” to no bangs, and it’s a, “no,” to the not-size-2 faux leather pants that Old Navy mistakenly sent instead of the size 2 Wow jeans.
If I’m going to go faux leather, I’m going full-on Michelle Pfeiffer-Catwoman style. I want that leather-latex, glossy, skin-tight look, not the high-waisted, wide-leg faux leather pants Old Navy sent that could fit both me and Michelle Pfeiffer in them.
I just really hope I’m not having hot flashes when I’m decking the halls in a Catwoman costume. It’d be a Ross-Geller-The-One-with-All-the-Resolutions moment, as a perimenopausal woman tries to peel off her leather-latex garment. Someone please light the Bat-Signal.
Suzanna Parpos is a single mom and writer who works in the field of special education. For ten years, she wrote a biweekly newspaper column in the Framingham TAB. Suzanna’s work has also appeared in The Boston Globe Magazine, MetroWest Daily News and Worcester Magazine, among several other publications. While she has never worn a Halloween costume to deck the halls, Suzanna has gone to a night-before-Halloween Boston Celtics game dressed as a crayon. Find her at: www.suzannaparpos.com.
