Holiday gatherings can be wonderful—but they can also be stressful, triggering, or emotionally charged, especially if your family has a knack for stepping on your last nerve. Even when nothing “goes wrong,” being out of routine and surrounded by expectations can make the whole season feel heavier than it looks on Instagram.
That’s why we wanted expert guidance on how to prepare your mind, set healthy boundaries, stay calm in the moment, and reset afterward. We turned to Renee Zukin, the author of the book Every Day, I’m Brave: Cultivating Resilience to Gain Freedom from Fear for tips on how to navigate difficult family events. Whether you’re walking into a house full of love, loud opinions, or a little bit of both, these tools can help you feel more grounded and in control of your experience.
Let’s get into it.
How can someone mentally prepare for a family gathering that they already know will be emotionally charged or stressful?
The holidays can certainly bring a fair amount of stress for many, whether you’re in charge of the preparation or simply showing up. While we may look forward to time off work, getting to see loved ones out of town, or having a good excuse to eat your favorite foods, simply being out of our routine can bring on some anxiety. If you’ve got some family discord or are anticipating some difficult conversations on top of that, it’s beneficial to set yourself up to stay grounded and supported through it.
Think of it as bringing along your self-care toolbox—physically and mentally. Maybe it’s bringing a comfort object—for us grown-ups that can often be a favorite hoodie or flavor of tea to throw in your travel bag. Or if you know you want to keep some space between you and your uncle that often likes to stir up political conversations at dinner, you can ask the host if you can help by making a seating chart (or get there a little early to claim a spot next to your favorite cousin instead). Take breaks as needed: a short walk outside, a trip to the gas station, a 20 minute power nap in the guest room.
And, if you are anticipating a challenging conversation, set yourself up for success by limiting the time spent talking, set up goals and expectations ahead of time or at the start, and be prepared to take a time out if things get heated. And, if you can have a supportive friend at the ready via text or phone, let them know when the conversation is starting and have a check in with them afterwards.
You write that avoidance often increases anxiety. Why does pulling back from family events sometimes make our fears stronger instead of easing them?
Anxiety often feeds us exaggerated images or even straight up lies that don’t allow us to see the full perspective of an event, conversation, or relationship. By avoiding the discomfort and uncertainty, we may lose out on an opportunity to connect with our loved ones or new people. Certainly your choice to avoid family gatherings should be on a case by case basis, because there are circumstances when it is absolutely best not to attend abusive or toxic situations. However, if discomfort rather than safety is the issue, the anxiety that comes with uncertainty or playing out different “what if” scenarios can weigh you down. By leaning into the experience with curiosity (what if it all goes great?) and a sense of openness, we often see that the fears are less warranted and we are able to be present and enjoy ourselves much more.
What are some effective ways to set and communicate healthy boundaries during the holidays—without creating more tension?
There is something to be said for doing the work to get more comfortable being in the discomfort. For many anxious folks who often have people-pleasing or peace-keeping tendencies as well, it takes practice and courage to set and hold boundaries. If you prefer to have some topics of conversation off limits, you can let everyone know ahead of time or simple have a few responses at the ready: “thanks for asking about my career plans, I’m not ready to share those today,” or “I’d prefer not to talk about ____ today.”
Also, having some questions you can ask others about themselves is a great way to get the attention off of you. People love to talk about themselves! Ask about their latest win at work, or what favorite show they are binging on netflix and then sit back and enjoy.
After a high-stress gathering, many people replay moments in their minds. What are a few simple ways to recover emotionally and reset afterward?
I have often found myself replaying conversations in my head after social gatherings, thinking of a better response to a friend’s question or wondering if my relative’s silence meant he was mad at me (when it was more likely that he was just tired from a full day of work). If you find yourself hyperfocused on a few moments that seem impossible to let go, here are a few tips to lessen its hold:
- Call a trusted friend, talk through what’s bothering you and ask them to just listen, not try to fix it. Talking through the experience with a witness can allow you to see more of what is true and what may simply be worry.
- Set a timer for 5-10 minutes and journal about it, as you write you may notice some insight and new perspectives, and if nothing else, the act of expressing yourself allows one to feel lighter.
- Reframe your thoughts: what thoughts or beliefs are you holding on to that may or may not be accurate? How can you get curious and reframe what you think a conversation, action, or look actually means?
- Distract yourself: if you’ve given yourself 10-15 minutes with any of the above exercises and it’s still feeling heavy, it’s time to just distract yourself. Put on some music, a favorite tv show or movie, or crack open a good book… do something to get outside of your own head!
- When all else fails, go to bed! Sleep resets so much for us.
What’s one simple mental ritual or routine you recommend doing before walking into a family gathering?
One of my favorite ways to get grounded and feel safe before walking into any stressful situation, especially a social one, is to take a minute to close my eyes and connect to the earth and sky. I like to do this by imagining that I have tree roots that sprout from the soles of my feet into the earth below me, as thick and wide as they want to go. This gives me strength and makes me feel more steady on my feet. Then I imagine that the sun is shining warm and bright on my face, its light is both healing and energizing and I wrap that golden light around me like a bubble. That bubble of light is protective, allowing nothing past it that I don’t invite in willingly. For many of us who are sensitive to the feelings and energy of others, this is a simple and powerful practice that helps us stay centered even if others around us are not.
Many people struggle to stay calm when conversations turn tense. What can they do in the moment to regulate their emotions without shutting down?
The two most important self-regulating techniques to keep at the ready involve the breath and the body. If you notice that you are either holding your breath or breathing more rapidly, you can try a simple box breathing exercise (also known as 4 count breathing). You inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold out for 4. If you find that your heart is beating quickly, try a variation in which your outbreath is longer. For example, you can breathe in for 4 counts and breathe out for 5 or 7 counts. The outbreath slows the heart rate, the inbreath increases it.
With either technique, this not only allows you to get more oxygen to your brain, the counting also gives your mind something to focus on while you recalibrate.
The second tip is to reconnect with your body. When in a stressful conversation we can often be fully in our minds or start feeling like we are in a fight or flight response (or freeze or fawn). When you notice this happening, get reconnected with the body by simply putting a hand on your heart, or the palms of your hands on the top of your legs. Tap them a few times so that the brain registers that you are safe in your body and you can more readily stay present.
For someone who feels drained after family time, what’s one small, restorative action they can take that same day to recover emotionally?
Restorative activities may be different for everyone, but as long as you choose something that brings you some calm and joy I’d say that’s a win. One of my favorite things to do is play music that fits the mood I desire to be in, so have a playlist for the drive home of songs you love to sing along to, or music that lets you just feel chill.
Resting, even for 15-20 minutes with a quiet meditation or out in nature can be so healing, allowing one to recenter after a difficult time. I am known to frequently set my timer and disappear into my bedroom with no distractions (except maybe my puppies) to reset between activities.
Ultimately, remember that you get to decide what’s best for you in any given situation. And, if things get intense and it feels like it’s time to go, have an exit strategy in place. You can always change your mind about participating in family events, and it doesn’t make you any less brave or worthy. Connecting with others is important, and it’s also important to know when your cup is empty and it’s time for a refill.
You’ve got this.
Renee Zukin is an author, educator, coach, and mental health advocate with over 20 years of experience helping others find healing and empowerment through writing and personal growth. She is also the author of the book Every Day, I’m Brave: Cultivating Resilience to Gain Freedom from Fear. Learn more at reneezukin.com.
