Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The one day of the year when our inboxes are held hostage by jewelry ads, every restaurant doubles its prices for the same damn chicken dish, and someone in your office gets a balloon bouquet so large it could double as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float.
We were the latchkey kids who learned early that no one was coming to save us. We grew up watching rom-coms where the guy always gets the girl, the girl always weighs 110 pounds, and no one ever has credit card debt. We survived Carrie Bradshaw's neuroses, eHarmony's matchmaking cult, and dating in the MySpace era. We have earned the right to ignore this nonsense.
Not this year, you rosy-cheeked cherub. The world is burning, the news cycle is a horror film on repeat, and if I see one more heart-shaped anything, I might actually start a riot. If you, like me, are sick of forced romance, weaponized grand gestures, and the expectation that we should all be grateful to be chosen, here’s what to do instead.
1. Buy Yourself the Damn Chocolates—The Fancy Ones, Not That Wax-Coated Crap
Nothing says “I am my own Valentine” like a $40 box of dark chocolate that you eat alone, standing in your kitchen, with zero judgment. Bonus points if you wash it down with a bottle of wine meant for a dinner party you’ll never host.
2. Mute the Happy Couples Before They Test Your Last Nerve
If you haven’t yet, now is the time to discover the “snooze for 30 days” feature on Facebook. No, Jen, we do not need to see yet another over-filtered photo of you and your husband grinning through the deep resentment that is your shared mortgage.
3. Stop Romanticizing Half-Assed Affection
If he’s barely texting you back any other time of the year, but today he suddenly remembers you exist, that’s not romance—it’s an obligation-fueled guilt trip. You deserve better. Like hot fries and a binge of The X-Files.
4. Go to a Nice Restaurant Alone and Make it Everyone’s Problem
Order the most expensive dish on the menu. Drink the fancy cocktail. If the waiter asks, tell him you’re celebrating your freedom. Watch the couples around you squirm in their chairs.
5. Watch a Movie That Reminds You Love is a Scam
Back in our day, we didn’t have swipe-right romance. We had Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, and War of the Roses. Love was psychotic, destructive, and—most importantly—entertaining as hell. Lean into it.
6. Remember That Grand Gestures Are Usually a Smokescreen
If a guy sends 100 roses to the office, someone is getting cheated on, fired, or both. If you want real romance, find someone who will bring you coffee before you even get out of bed and not make a big deal about it.
7. Schedule a Massage—Because You Deserve Hands on You That Know What They’re Doing
Let’s be honest, at this stage of life, half the people out there have no idea what they’re doing with their hands anyway. You might as well pay someone who does.
8. Crack Open That Expensive Bottle of Wine (or, Where Legal, Enjoy Some Cannabis)
You could save it for a special occasion—or you could accept that the world is a disaster, and you survived low-rise jeans and dial-up internet. That’s occasion enough.
If you’re somewhere civilized enough for legal cannabis, skip the wine and go for an edible that erases this holiday from your memory. No drunk texts, no hangovers—just you, your snacks, cozy socks, a blanket, and the sudden realization that Love Actually is actually pretty toxic.
9. Block Your Toxic Ex for Good
No, he does not miss you. No, he has not changed. No, checking his social media “just to see” is not healthy. You’re a grown woman. Block. Delete. Exorcise that demon.
10. Take a Nap and Sleep Like You’re a Teenager in the ‘90s
Back when we could sleep until noon without waking up feeling like we got hit by a truck. Relish it while you can still can.
11. Be Your Own Sugar Daddy
Would a rich man buy this for you? Yes? Then buy it for yourself. Be the rich man you deserve.
12. Skip the Heart-Shaped Junk and Buy Something Useful Instead
Nothing says “I love me” like a weighted blanket, a high-end coffee machine, or noise-canceling headphones. If it improves your quality of life more than a stuffed bear from CVS, it's worth it.
13. Host an Anti-Valentine’s Day Party—Or Just Drink Alone, Both Are Valid
Gather your people and swap horrific dating stories. Or light a candle, pour a drink, and make fun of people on reality TV. Either way, you win.
14. Turn Off Your Phone and Pretend You’re Off the Grid
No doomscrolling. No texting your situationship. No pretending you care about Janet’s engagement post. Disappear for a full 24 hours and watch your stress levels drop.
15. Watch a Rom-Com and Scream at the Screen
We spent our whole youth being sold the lie that men will chase us to the airport and confess their love in grand gestures. Where is that energy now, Brad? Not once…yet.
16. Send Yourself Flowers and Sign the Card “From Your Secret Admirer”
You are your secret admirer. Let people wonder. Or make up a wild story about a one-night stand, it’s your world, legend.
17. Stop Letting Society Tell You That Being Single is a Tragedy
You know what’s worse than being single? Being trapped in a joyless, emotionally draining relationship because society made you think you were running out of time.
18. Donate to a Cause Instead of Buying Some Meaningless Trinket
Take the money you’d spend on Hallmark garbage and novelty candy and put it toward something that actually matters. Look around – there are people who need you everywhere.
19. Laugh at This List, Then Do Whatever the Hell You Want
Because Valentine’s Day is just another day. You are already whole, already enough, and already your own damn soulmate.
Conclusion: Let the World Burn—Just Do It on Your Own Terms
Valentine’s Day will come and go, and you’ll still be standing. The jewelry ads will keep whispering at you like a deranged cult leader, your taken friends will continue oversharing about their "perfect" relationships (that they were complaining about last week), and the corporate machine will find a new way to separate you from your hard-earned money.
But not you.
You’re out here thriving, unbothered, and refusing to participate in the charade. You ate the expensive chocolate, took the damn nap, muted every smug couple on Instagram, and somehow managed to survive another year without screaming into the void.
And if you do nothing else today? At least pat yourself on the back for not being trapped in an overpriced prix fixe dinner with a man who “forgets” to Venmo you for the Uber every single time.
Cheers to you, you magnificent, self-sufficient legend. Now go forth and love yourself like capitalism isn’t trying to emotionally manipulate you into buying a ridiculous stuffed bear.