Robin Finn
I was in New York City attending a conference on midlife women’s health when a menopause expert shared a slide that made me gasp. The slide showed that low estrogen during perimenopause can physically lower a woman's voice frequency making us "harder to hear." Wait, what???
As the author of the new book, Heart. Soul. Pen.: Find Your Voice on the Page and in Your Life and a longtime advocate for women’s voices, I was stunned. My passion is to guide midlife women to find their voice through writing, unleash their radical self-expression, and know, on the deepest level, their words are worthy. I get activated every time a midlife woman tells me they feel like they have “lost their voice.” I tell them writing can help them find it again. I tell them that now is the perfect time. I tell them losing your voice is no small matter. It’s nearly impossible to be happy or energized or content when you feel silenced.
But I was not aware that voice changes were a biological phenomenon related to menopause.[1] I cannot imagine a more powerful metaphor. Perimenopause starts just as our parents are aging, our kids are leaving, our careers are changing, and the roles we play in our own lives are shifting. Too often, we are left wandering around in our heads (and our bathrobes) wondering what is next for me?
Midlife might be the first time in a long time that you stop and consider, who am I outside of my roles as wife, mother, daughter, worker, boss, partner, sister, friend? It may be the first time in a long time that you consider, what do I want? It may be the first time in a very long time that you ask yourself, what am I yearning for? Often, we don’t know the answers. This can feel scary and daunting, as if we’ve lost our identity, as if we no longer know who we are.
Here's the thing: you don’t have to know who you are in your next chapter or where you are going or what is in store for you. The most powerful wisdom about our lives and what makes us feel closer to our purpose is inside of us. Writing can help you access your own inner wisdom. It can bring you closer to the arrow inside that is pointing you in the direction of your dreams. Writing is easy and affordable and accessible. All you need is a paper and pen and a little guidance.
Here are my three tips to find your voice on the page (and in your life!) during this transitional time:
Let go of judgment. When women show up at my writing workshops, they often tell me that they don’t consider themselves “real writers” or they don’t think their story is “important,” or they are not sure they are “good enough” to write. I tell them that none of this is true. Your story is important, and you are enough to write it. No one can tell your story but you. You don’t have to be a professional writer to express yourself. Let go of judging yourself and the value of what you have to say. Nothing corks up our creativity more than self-judgment. Instead, cultivate an attitude of curiosity and discovery. Be curious about what is emerging. View writing as a tool of self-discovery, not as an assignment to be graded.
Give yourself permission. Be aware that when you are writing, the writing is for you and you alone. Give yourself full permission to allow your writing to go wherever it wants. Sometimes our writing ventures into deep and painful places. Sometimes feelings and thoughts emerge that we have not considered in many years—decades even. Sometimes we reconnect to precious dreams. Remind yourself that your writing is for you and give yourself full permission –without self-censoring—to wander, meander, poke, and prod whatever ideas and thoughts want to be unleashed.
Use a timer. Set a timer for ten minutes and write as fast as you can without thinking, editing, structuring, or attempting to influence the direction of your writing. When we write as fast as we can without “thinking,” we allow our minds to wonder unencumbered by expectations. The pressure to write quickly allows our thoughts, ideas, speculations, and feelings to surface. When we stop and “think,” we often judge. So instead of sitting down and “trying” to articulate your thoughts, use a timer and write as if you were running a race until the timer goes off. Timed writing may seem difficult at first, but the quick pace and pressure to write without editing provides an entry into our deepest thoughts. It’s a tool you may soon come to embrace.
During menopause, it is critical to reclaim and strengthen our voices—literally and figuratively. Our bodies need our attention as do our spirits. Writing allows us to dig deep, express our truths, and be heard in ways that transcend our changing bodies. Midlife is the perfect time for women to write and reclaim their stories. Your voice is important. Your story matters. In midlife, writing can help you be heard, loud and clear.
Learn more about finding your voice in this excerpt from Robin Finn’s new book, Heart. Soul. Pen.: Find Your Voice on the Page and in Your Life:
At a recent writing workshop, a women raised her hand to share her writing. When I called on her, she told the group that she did not want to read her piece out loud because she said, “It’s so mundane.” With gentle encouragement, she shared a piece about caregiving for her husband who was newly diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. She wrote about how she sometimes did not feel like caregiving, and how difficult it was to care for him and herself, and how hard and painful it was to adjust to a new life with his illness. Not only was the writing not mundane, but it was brave, important, poignant, and relatable to anyone who has ever cared for a loved one with an illness. Her piece was filled with grief, truth, loss, and hope.
As a teacher, I find this happens all the time—women tell me they have nothing “important” to say and then, when encouraged, share writing full of so much longing, loss, joy, pain, and yearning that it takes my breath away. When I ask the class, “Was this uninteresting?” they laugh. It seems funny to ask the question because it is so obvious that the writing has illuminated some important aspect of being human and that the writer has boldly shared it with us. The bottom line is that we are moved by each other’s authentic self-expression. In our highly curated social media world, people are hungry for truth. But we cannot get to the truth when we judge it as not enough.
I could say that I do not know where women get the message that they are not enough or that their writing does not have value. But that would be a lie. As a woman, of course I do. Women get the message that they are not enough or that their words or self-expression are not important from just about everywhere.
We are told to be pleasant. To not be bossy, loud, or make other people feel uncomfortable. We are told to be sunny, to smile, to be positive and reassuring. We are told not to talk about the excruciating nature of motherhood, midlife, menopause, mental health, sexual violence, sexual desire, or anything that is not “pretty.” And, when we become a mother or get older or hit midlife or go gray (or silver), then we really should be quiet since “we are not in our prime” (as if someone else gets to determine when we are in our prime). Add to this the misbeliefs placed on young girls that they should not be demanding, or too talkative, or take up too much space, or else they are not “good.” Is it any wonder that so many women think they do not have anything of value to say, or that they are not worthy enough to say it?
Too often, we want to find our voice and we do not want to find our voice at the same time. Fear of exposure is a powerful barrier. We have to be willing to give up the beliefs that keep us small, that do not serve us, that tell us we are not enough, if we want to unleash our words and our radical self-expression with ease.
Robin Finn, MPH, MA, is passionate about sharing women’s stories. She is an award-winning writer, teacher, and coach, and the founder and creator of Heart. Soul. Pen.,® a Los Angeles-based course blending writing and radical self-expression for women, and Hot Writing™ where midlife and menopause inspire the desire to say what you mean without apologizing. Robin helps women dig into their truth, find their voice on the page, radically express themselves, and transform their creative spark into a fiery conflagration. She harnesses her years in public health, education & training, and spiritual psychology in everything she does.
Author of the new book, Heart. Soul. Pen.: Find Your Voice on the Page and in Your Life
Creator & Founder, HEART. SOUL. PEN.® Women's Writing Collective:
Workshops. Writing Parties. Monthly Write Club. Mastermind Groups.
The New York Times: When Our Daughter Walked In on Us
Los Angeles Times: Can I get a ‘corona divorce’ from my quarantined family?
Jane Friedman's blog: Is Your Story “Big Enough” to Write About?
Ask me about: HotWriting™ about Midlife & Menopause