Marni Heinz
As a child, I vividly remember living in a house full of anxiety, fear, and anger. There were a lot of unpleasant emotions brewing 24x7. These emotions largely came from my mom. Their source was unclear. Eventually, they would rear their heads and express themselves in unhealthy ways. I never knew when the next shoe was going to drop. To make matters worse, I felt the fear too. It was intense. I still feel it to this day.
Somewhat ironically, my close friends would describe me as steady, calm, and confident. What people don’t see - the duck who is paddling like crazy underneath the surface just to survive, to not let the fear and anxiety overtake her like it did her mom.
At the age of 5, I made a personal vow - that I would live for my future self. That I would successfully escape the fear, anxiety, and anger that colored my youth. I also knew that, as an adult, I would need to face the parts of me that held onto the fear and anxiety - rather than running from them.
One day, in my early 40s, I realized I had become that woman. It felt like it all happened so quickly. As a way to face what I had run from, I decided to turn to mindfulness.
I often say that I was first introduced to meditation at the age of 5, when my mom led my Girl Scout troop in a guided visualization. That younger version of me was fascinated with my mom’s ability to take me and the other little girls to a place of calm so quickly, despite the chaos that stirred inside her. A seed of curiosity was planted.
In 2004, I visited Southeast Asia with a college girlfriend. While in Vietnam, we stumbled upon Thich Nhat Hanh’s pagoda - a well-known Buddhist monk who was exiled from his own country during the Vietnam War. I was drawn to his teachings and became curious about mindful meditation. I read two of his books on this trip - Anger and Peace is Every Step. And, I began meditating, although - it didn’t stick.
Fast forward to 2017, I took a second trip to Southeast Asia with my boyfriend/partner. I insisted that we visit Thich Nhat Han’s pagoda once again. I received a message on this trip - the fear that permeated my childhood was still with me. It was time to face it. And so, after returning home from my 4-month trip abroad, I enrolled in a month-long intro to meditation course and got serious about starting a regular meditation practice - meditating 10-20 minutes every morning before starting my day. I would sit in a quiet place in my home and focus on my breath, listening to a guided meditation on the Calm app or simply sitting without a voice to guide me.
The benefits were immense - I was more calm and less reactive. I was able to observe what was happening around me, without being caught up in it. I was less attached to outcomes. I was appreciative for what I already had, wanting less. I didn’t worry about the future. I had fewer regrets about the past. I truly felt how others perceived me - calm and content.
Within a few years, COVID arrived - fear and anxiety hit me like a freight train once again. My meditation practice fell by the wayside. A meditation practice where I focused on my breath wasn’t serving me - it felt like I was having a panic attack. All I could sense was the shallowness and quickness of my breath, not to mention the never-ending stream of ruminating thoughts. It felt like torture. Luckily, I had learned about walking meditation during one of my Southeast Asia trips. I eventually turned to this form of meditation - to get me out of the house and into my body.
I still to this day find it challenging to keep a regular meditation practice. And, yet - the benefits remain, based on my own personal experience and a plethora of research studies. The good news is that every day is a new day and a new opportunity to begin again. I suspect my relationship with mindfulness meditation will be a lifelong journey. My practice will ebb and flow. Sometimes walking meditation will serve me. At other times, mindfulness of breath will serve me. And, there will be times when acknowledging and naming feeling states + body sensations from a place of non-judgment will serve me (e.g., “fear fear,” “tingling tingling”).
Rather than share the fundamentals of mindful meditation with you in a step-by-step format, I am sharing my personal story. There’s a sea of information that you can find online to learn about mindfulness meditation and begin a regular practice. I highly recommend teachings from Thich Nhat Hanh, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. There is also no shortage of apps, including Calm, Headspace, and Insight Timer. Simply give it a try and see how it goes. What I will share - the endless thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that arise while meditating? These are all normal. Simply notice what shows up, acknowledge it, and return to your focus of attention (e.g., breath, sound, foot steps, etc.).
We have a choice - to focus on what matters and live with intention or to live a life of reactivity, being pushed and pulled from one thing to the next. Thich Nhat Hanh has a saying that’s on a sign at Plum Village, a mindfulness meditation retreat center in southern France that he founded after his exile from Vietnam. The sign says “I have arrived. I am home.” That’s how I want to live the next chapter of my life. To be content no matter where I am. To be aware of what’s happening around me and within me, to act with intention, to observe from a place of non-judgment, to treat myself and others with compassion and kindness.
Marni Heinz is an executive coach and software sales leader who is passionate about bringing mindfulness into everyday life. She will soon complete Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach’s two year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program.