Joelle Speranza
It seems like only yesterday we were playing Barbies together but now my ten-year-old daughter was standing in front me telling me, “I feel bad, but I just want to be alone.” She’d rather video chat with her friends or do things by herself these days. I get it. I love watching her discover her passions and become more independent. It just hurts my heart.
At least I have my seven-year-old son, I thought to myself. He would surely want to play Uno or do one of our collaborative drawings together, right? Nope. When my husband is home from business trips, my son is glued to him. They’re together playing video games so I basically don’t exist until he wants to cuddle before bedtime.
My mood sinks a little. It’s partly the emotional rollercoaster of perimenopause and partly motherhood, but I have a lot of feelings about my kids growing up and my changing life. I should be enjoying this new independence—and I do—but it also leaves me feeling like President of the Lonely Moms Club.
When this hits, I grab my remote control and turn on Netflix or Viki and transport myself to a captivating world filled with romance, comedy, mystery, a little suspense and a lot more emotions. The world of Korean drama, known as K-dramas, is always there for me whether I’m up at 5 a.m. thanks to hormones or in need of comfort or company any other time. I’m grateful for the opportunity to let my body rest, my mind unwind, and to have something that enriches my soul with valuable life lessons and stories that stick with me long after I turn off the television.
I’ve always been a creative dream chaser and when I became a mom, I put that side of myself on hold. Instead of going to concerts and interviewing bands for my online TV show and blog, I was racing home from work with mom guilt because I left my babies. Then, I never wanted to go out without them. And that’s basically how it’s been the past decade. My social life has revolved around my kids.
I’m not complaining—in fact I’ve loved it. I’ve often felt like the outcast among moms because no one else is a former Warped Tour scene queen decorated in tattoos and chasing side-hustles in her spare time. But I connected with a great group of moms who don’t mind that I’m straight-edge (so I don’t drink) or that I have food allergies (so I can’t go out to eat for girl’s nights). We built a village and took turns hosting events at each other’s homes where the kids could run wild and adults could carry on conversations in peace. It was magnificent— until it started to crumble this year.
It turns out that when you base your social life around your kids, your friends are going to change when your kids change friends. I’ve felt a loss this year as my daughter shifted friendship groups and her besties changed. It became awkward for me to manage her friend groups along with my friendships with their moms. I miss how close we used to be and I fear it will happen again when she starts middle school next year and I’ll lose more close friends.
This shift made me realize that I need to find common interests with my mom friends and make plans with them outside of when our kids are together. My husband is always on the phone with friends and going out to lunch with his buddies. He talks to his best friend daily. I get a bit jealous to be honest. And when I see other moms posting social media pictures of the women they’ve been BFF with since high school, I get sad. I’ve lost all those friends when I got divorced in my 20s. And those concert besties? We’re scattered all over the country—and even internationally—now. Some of the girls and I are close, but our lives are in different directions between the age difference in our kids—or some not even being parents. Texts are few and far between. So, I really count on those friendships I’m building with school moms and want to find common interests to bond us beyond our babes.
I started talking about K-dramas and how I learned about them through my work as a book publicist when one of my therapist clients wrote a book on K-dramas and mental health. After I started sharing my love, I discovered my neighbors, hair stylist, a few mom friends, and even my friend and her colleagues who work at my dentist, are all obsessed with K-dramas. I even got a few friends obsessed after suggesting they watch an episode.
When I cried over the ending of Queen of Tears, I texted a mom friend and I received tear-face emoji’s telling me she’s on the same emotional journey. At birthday parties and school events, we’ll pull out our phones, text each-other our watch lists, and dish on our favorite actors. I’m planning a local meetup to unite everyone.
I’ve also gotten into K-pop music because every K-drama has its own original soundtrack. I realized that K-dramas have a huge worldwide fan base online and I’ve joined Facebook groups with over 400,000 members. A recent Threads post of mine where I confessed I’m a 43-year-old mom who is embarking on a journey to learn all the members of BTS got over 10,000 views and a ton of comments from similar women. No matter the hour, someone in the world is up for talking about their favorite show or K-pop group. I feel like I found a really fun, inspiring, uplifting and supportive community for myself just by watching these television shows and listening to new songs.
Korean content is also helping my family bond which does help me feel less lonely. I listen to K-pop with my kids and love it because the music is catchy and they don’t understand the lyrics (most of my punk rock music is not child-friendly). My daughter even introduced me to K-pop girl group BlackPink and my son likes Stray Kids. My husband is just as obsessed with some of the shows as me. Watching Vincenzo, Crash Landing on You, and Descendants of the Sun has brought us closer and given us conversation topics. When my daughter is a little older and can watch K-dramas, I know I will bond with her in a new way that will also help open up important conversation topics for us because K-dramas all have life lessons.
When I feel the gap between the version of myself before kids, the version of myself when my kids were little, and who I am today, I now know I can find my own joy. All I have to do is turn on a K-drama. I remember that I’m part of a global community where someone is also swooning because trainer Kim Young-Ho finally kissed his overweight client Kang Joo-Eun in Oh My Venus, laughing over Business Proposal, playing reels of Byeon Woo-Seok singing “Sudden Shower” from Lovely Runner because we just can’t move on from the way that series hit our hearts—and excited to talk about it. I’m also studying the writing and production because they inspire me as a romance novelist. I get swept up in a fictional world for a few weeks while I watch these limited 16-episode series and when one ends, there’s always another waiting for me. And I always have someone to talk to about it—even if it’s a stranger across the world. Turns out I’m not so lonely, after all.
Joelle Speranza is a publicist, lifestyle writer, and author with over 20 years of experience working in the media. Her books include the memoir Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s, the children’s book Princess Genevieve: The Hero with Girl Power, and the romance novel The Comeback Tour. She is passionate about empowering girls of all ages and life stages to live life to its fullest. She lives in a NJ lake community with her husband, two children, and three dogs. Find her watching K-dramas, reading romance novels, and raising kids and dogs. Connect at www.joellesperanza.com and @thejoellesperanza.