When we’re young, we feel invincible. But as we move through life, hardships and losses accumulate. Eventually, everyone deals with something. So, when our friends face a life-altering illness or hardship, we want to show up.
But how do we offer support without feeling uneasy that we’ll say or do the wrong thing?
As a person who has navigated a chronic illness for decades, I offer these suggestions to help you confidently show up for your friends during difficult times.
Don’t be afraid to show you care! A friend who navigates an illness or difficult circumstance may feel overwhelmed and isolated. Don’t wait for them to reach out. If you have a kind thought, act on it! Send the card. Or the text. Or the email. Leave the voice mail. If your friend’s world is spinning, there’s nothing more grounding than an avalanche of well wishes.
Make it clear you do not expect a response! After receiving a caring cascade of cards, texts, emails, and voicemails, your friend may feel compelled to respond. For someone not feeling well, this can become a burdensome to-do list. Eliminate that pressure on the front end by clearly stating no response needed!
Show up, but don’t try to “fix” it. Often, when our friends are hurting, we want to make it better. Try as we might, we can’t change things with positive slogans or rah-rah cheerleading. The best we can do is show up and listen.
Be compassionate but act normal. When we visit our friends who navigate illness, remember, it’s not a funeral. Don’t ooze pity or adapt a somber tone. Act like you, so your friend feels like them. Be straightforward and say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” This feels better than the silent stare with lingering puppy dog eyes.
Amplify your uniqueness. If you’re an avid reader, drop off a bag of books. If you’re a creative chef, whip up some meals. If you’re a writer, write a poem or short story. If you’re artistic, make a card. If you’re hilarious, and your friend is up for levity, tell some jokes. If you are a game player, see if a round of Scrabble would offer a welcome distraction.
Assume nothing! This is an important step in easing any discomfort. There is no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with difficulties, so don’t assume that your friend wants (or does not want) to talk about it. Ask them and let them advise you! Be sensitive and upfront. “I don’t want to upset you, so please guide me. Can I ask you about your treatments, or do you prefer not to talk about it?” Their answer will define the parameters of your conversation. And it might change from one visit to the next. Respect the nuances of your friend’s emotional journey.
When appropriate, be inquisitive. If your friend wants to talk about their experiences, be curious. Treatments and medical appointments can feel like a part-time (maybe full-time) job. Like anything else that occupies a significant chunk of time in your friend’s life, if they’re open, ask them about it. Talking about it removes that proverbial elephant-in-the-room energy.
Avoid “At least….” statements. Sometimes we try to make our friends feel better with “at least…” sentences. “Hey, at least you’ve got a nice car to drive to chemotherapy in!” Not helpful. It dismisses the hard parts. Sure, be all-in if your friend seeks the bright side, but it’s not your job to jump over the bad to find the good.
Stay in touch and think small. Your friend’s difficulties might continue for a long while. Continue to reach out with little gestures and focus on one lovely thing. Text a quick hello, thinking of you! Forward an article that might be of interest. Snap a picture of a beautiful flower or an adorable dog. Ask about their kids. Recommend the show that you binged in record time. Delightful distractions can go a long way.
Jennifer Cramer-Miller is an author and speaker, focusing on stories of hope. Jennifer’s new memoir, Incurable Optimist: Living with Illness and Chronic Hope received a Publishers Weekly starred review, an International Impact Book Award, a Book Excellence Award, a BookFest Award, an IPPY award, and was a memoir and cover design finalist in the Next Generation Indie Book Awards. As a patient advocate, she helps others manage uncertainty, move forward with hope, and find some joy. JenniferCramerMiller.com
You’ll find her essays featured in Zibby Mag, Brevity Blog, The Sunlight Press, Next Avenue, Grown & Flown, The Erma Bombeck Blog, Star Tribune, Minnesota Physician, Mamalode, and Medium.