By the time she was thirty, Gila Pfeffer was the oldest living member of her family, having lost her mother to breast cancer and her father to colon cancer. A simple blood test confirmed she carried the BRCA1 gene—which put her at high risk of developing cancer herself. Determined to break the cycle of early death in her family, Gila decides to undergo an elective double mastectomy.
Gila shares her advice for navigating a cancer diagnosis below. An excerpt from her memoir, Nearly Departed: A Memoir: Adventures in Loss, Cancer and Other Inconveniences is shared here.
Set boundaries. It's your crisis and you get to decide how to endure it which means being firm about how you do and don't want people to help. Most people have the best of intentions but if they're offering the kind of help you personally don't want, it's ok to decline. If that makes them feel bad, frankly that's not your problem - you've got your own problems! When I was going through chemo for breast cancer my four kids were really little and I wanted to try to show up as their mom to the best of my ability. That meant sticking to our normal dinner, bath and bedtime routines whenever I felt up to it so when someone offered to drop dinner off I said no thank you because I wanted to cook for them. I also didn't want to upend the house with what I called the lasagna parade that inevitably follows news of a friend going through tough times.
Let friends and family know that sometimes NOT helping is the best help of all. If you say you're fine, then they have to run with that, rather than insist you're not. People who do that are unintentionally making it about themselves and you must remind them who the star of the cancer show is.
Designate a spokesperson for yourself (or, as I liked to call my best friend, a bouncer). This person can disseminate information for you and filter visitors as well as offers for help according to your personal needs. You've got enough on your plate without having to let everyone know your treatment status and how you're feeling - unless you personally prefer to be the front line of communication and that's your choice. But it can be draining and overwhelming so it's good to have a sort of team captain to coordinate it all.
Find a good support organization that suits your needs. As a Jewish young woman going through breast cancer, I turned to Sharsheret who set me up with women to talk to who'd been through a similar ordeal as me. They carefully pair those in need of support with someone who understands and has come out the other side of what you're facing. I've been a longtime supporter of Sharsheret since its inception more than two decades ago and a proud volunteer, but it wasn't until I had cancer myself that I relied on them as a client! Other useful organizations for breast cancer specifically include Living Beyond Breast Cancer, Breast Cancer Research Foundation and The Pink Agenda which is a subsidiary of BCRF and focuses on a younger population.
This one seems obvious but indulge yourself and let loved ones spoil you. I called them chemo perks, but when my mother-in-law bought me a silk-printed Salvatore Ferragamo scarf I said "yes, thank you very much" instead of my usual "oh no, this is too much I couldn't possibly accept this". Same goes for the designer handbag my husband's grandmother - herself a two-time breast cancer survivor- gifted me. Take it all. God willing you won't be sick forever so milk it for what it's worth. Bonus: the gift-givers will feel as good in giving as you do in being pampered
Rage if and when you want to. Scream into a pillow or out your window or from a mountaintop if you've got the energy to get up there. Don't hold it in, let it all out into the universe that got you in this fine mess to begin with.
Gila Pfeffer is an essayist, humorist, and author. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Today.com, and Oprah Daily. Gila’s monthly “Feel It on the First” campaign uses humor to remind women to prioritize their breast health. She is the author of Nearly Departed: Adventures in Loss, Cancer, and Other Inconveniences. She splits her time between New York City, London and Instagram (@gilapfeffer).