I write about my life for a living. Vulnerability and transparency are part of the gig, including speaking candidly on divorce since that’s part of my story. The moment you broach the topic of divorce, everyone has an opinion. One of the most divisive topics in my little corner of the internet is the idea of staying in a broken marriage “for the kids”.
Don’t. Just don’t.
That’s not only my stance as someone who went through a divorce, but also a woman whose own parents waited until their kids were older to finally split up. Something that frankly should have happened years before, but it was a different time and divorce wasn’t viewed the way it is now. While you may think you are doing your kids a solid favor by maintaining the household status quo, you could do far more damage than good. According to Hello Divorce, between a third and almost half of married respondents with children say they stay together because of concern for their children’s well-being.
By trying to create some semblance of stability, the bar is automatically lowered. Divorce is a subjective experience, there are extenuating circumstances, and unicorn couples who go on to continue celebrating holidays and even vacationing together in all their blended glory. There is no cookie cutter divorce scenario. However, my parents staying together for us, unequivocally affected my view on what was normal and acceptable in a relationship.
In college, I gravitated toward tumultuous relationships that lacked any form of stability because I was accustomed to the constant unrest. I mistook familiarity for comfort and suffered for it. My parents unintentionally set the tone for what I should expect from a partner. Watching two people who clearly can’t stand each other coexist in the same home is not exactly fairy tale material, so you convince yourself that it’s reality and there are no fairy tales. You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.
Because of their constant tension and acrimony with a few failed reconciliation efforts thrown into the mix, my body was in constant fight or flight wondering what each day would bring and I carried that shit with me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the psychology of why I’d allow myself to exist in a relationship where my body was also in fight or flight every day of my life as a wife. I stayed as long as I could to try and outrun my fate. The truth is, I was filled with a fire fueled by my need to break the cycle.
Staying in a situation where my small child would see this version of me - a submissive, scared, and numb shell of a human who was just existing, took my breath away. I wanted her to see the fairy tale. The little kisses during morning exodus to work and school; the laughter and camaraderie: the respect and adoration; the strong and palpable love and partnership. There was no way that was going to happen if I resumed to endure a dynamic that made me the worst version of myself, and I knew it. So, I didn’t. Going through a major life shift offers relief and perspective once you get past the initial fear of blowing your life up.
Just imagine the irony of staying in a marriage to spare your kids the trauma of breaking up a nuclear family and instead giving them a home rife with resentment, stress, and overall gross energy. I get why people stay. It seems like an easier choice in many ways. Just suffer through it until the kids graduate, right? I don’t blame my parents at all because I believe they truly did what they thought was best at the time. But easier doesn’t always mean better and kids absorb energy. Just because you may not be openly fighting in front of them does not mean you are providing them peace and stability. The heaviness of an unhealthy relationship has repercussions on everyone in the household no matter how much you try and shield them from it.
If you can genuinely salvage your marriage, do it. Get into therapy, have hard conversations, and don’t make rash, emotional decisions. However, before you choose to stay for the kids, remember that you are creating the foundation for what they think a functional marriage looks like. And once that foundation is built, it’s not so easy to tear it down and rebuild.