Divorce comes with a lot paperwork to help map out the logistics for the rest of your kids’ (minor) years at home. I remember vividly going through my parenting plan staring at charts showing which holidays I would have my child. I felt emotionally disconnected from the reality of that stupid chart. I couldn’t grasp how it would feel in real life. How could I possibly celebrate any holiday without my firstborn at my table without feeling a gaping void? The fear, sadness and guilt were debilitating and even though that part of my life is well over a decade in the past, I’m remarried, and added another little girl to my brood, I still get that pit in my stomach when I know my oldest won’t be home with us for any celebration.
Coparenting is not a cookie cutter dynamic. Obviously, we always want to do the best we can to work together in the best interest of the children. For some, that’s an easy ask and for others it’s a paralyzing impossibility. If you are on the divorce side of social media, you likely have an algorithm filled with couples showing how their blended families are choosing to spend holidays together and actually enjoying it. My heart genuinely feels happy for families that can join forces while basting a turkey and baking cookies for Santa all while wearing matching PJs. It really is admirable and amazing.
However, for some it’s not even in the realm of reality. Sometimes the fantasy is exactly that, and I want you to know that’s ok too. There are no hard and fast rules of coparenting during the holidays because it’s completely subjective, complicated, and we all have to do what is best for our respective families while also protecting ourselves and our peace. Dispersed in between the poster children for coparenting success, there many who are on the fringe and doing the best they can with the cards they’ve been dealt. For the first few years after my divorce, I had to reimagine what holidays would look like as a single mom. I created my own traditions and I leaned into it. My priority was my child and if that meant doing my own little Thanksgiving on a Saturday, that’s what I did. Not just for me, but to also show my daughter that she had meaningful holidays with both parents. It worked for us, so we ran with it.
People don’t get divorced because they are happy. They uncouple because they are miserable, exhausted, abused, cheated on, manipulated, lied to, trapped, and any array all the other messy things. It’s not exactly the stuff happy holidays are made of. Everyone has a different marriage, divorce and circumstances which all plays into the coparenting dynamic. It’s ok to hard line of demarcation and choose to maintain our sanity instead of slinging burgers and hot dogs together for the fourth of July just to say you did. You are not doing your kids any favors if you’re getting together in the name of coparenting while there is a thick fog of palpable tension and anxiety looming. It’s similar logic that fuels the trope of staying together for the kids. I don’t say that lightly rather as a child of divorce who lived it and hated it.
What I have learned about coparenting throughout the holiday season over the past decade is that there are no “shoulds”. You do what feels good for you and your family. Period. The turkey and stuffing didn’t taste any different just because we didn’t eat it on the day we are “supposed to”. We took every holiday on a case-by-case basis and made it work. As my daughter got older, the stress of the holiday divide did dissipate as it simply became more normal.
If you are besties with your ex’s new wife, I seriously want to give you a high five. And if you came out of an abusive, traumatic, or dysfunctional marriage and the idea of sitting at a table with you ex makes you feel sick, it’s ok NOT to strive for that dynamic. Some divorces come loaded with issues that can break a relationship beyond repair. That’s just the truth and you don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification for either. Your holidays are yours to curate. You get to decide when and where they happen and who is at your table, and nobody can shame you for any of it. Whatever your coparenting looks like during the holidays, I hope it brings you peace.