Orly K.G., Colleen Brennan, Lia Berman, Avril Granato, Susie An and Jan Slavin
I tried not to turn into my mom but I inherited her teeth. And I keep them in a little jar on my nightstand.
I thought she was unfair, but just like my mom, I too like my grandchildren way more than I ever liked my own kids and I make sure they know.
Like my mom, I talk to myself all the time, but I don’t care for my tone, young lady.
I’m finally looking for a rich man with a bad cough.
I tried not to turn into my mom but my bunions have bunions and sensible shoes give me life.
I yell turn off the damn lights and I live alone.
It’s true. A brisket on sale can be a reason to make 17 side dishes in case the kids want to come over.
I never leave a message if my kids don’t answer their phones. This way they will think I’ve fallen (am deathly ill/being held hostage/locked in a trunk) and will call me back.
Nine times out of ten, I was right about my daughter’s boyfriends. Two out of two I was right about her husbands.
My mom’s ASMR tsk/sigh of “I’m soooo disappointed in you” is in my top 10 daily responses.
I also yell that I can’t find my reading glasses… that are on my head.
My mom always said drinking whiskey would put hair on my chest. And looky here… I’m now the proud owner of several new nipple hairs.
I turn down the music in the car when I need to concentrate on the directions.
I asked my kid “Is that really what you are going to wear?” And then immediately shamed myself.
I packed my son 3 pairs of underwear for an overnight stay at Grandma's house. He’s 8 years old.
I commented on clickbait, shared the profile, and then wondered why my Facebook was hacked.
I brag about the affordable, ADORABLE leggings I bought at CVS.
I had no need for 5 rolls of aluminum foil, but they were “buy 3 get 2 FREE”; who can pass up that deal! Who wants roast chicken for dinner for 3 years?
Starting my sentences with “Now, what do I know?” is next level of turning into my mom.
I correct the grammar of total strangers. “It’s She and I, SHE AND I!!”
It’s the hair towel and showering at night for me.
I now use my blinker 4 minutes before I need to take the exit.
I too notice the Bonnie Raitt bangers at the Supermarket.
I'm insistent I add a vegetable to any dinner we have.
“What? Just let these dinner rolls go to waste? Throw them in your purse, nobody is going to say anything!”
“I called, but nobody answered, so I am coming over to see what's going on.”
I just gargled with salt water for a sore throat.
Nobody: Me: You should gargle with salt water.
My eye roll is lethal.
It is 76 degrees and everyone should bring a light jacket.
A speck of pepper on my eggs and I am coughing like I have COVID.
“$4.49 for milk? What is this world coming to?”
I tried not to turn into my mother and I think I succeeded. But, are you really wearing THAT out tonight?!?!?!?
I shared this fascinating email to my entire contact list about how raw coconut oil heals childhood trauma AND improves gut health.
I’m beginning to think shorts DO look better with pantyhose.
It’s no big deal, but maybe my kids could pick up the phone every once in a while when I call.
When I say “we,” I really mean, “you”.
“Jesus, Mary, and Holy Joseph” is the beginning of my reaction to any bad news. Including the News.
I also say “God bless, (insert name),” before I talk shit about someone.
Shower caps really do come in handy!
My glove compartment is stuffed with napkins from every take-out place in town. You never know when you’ll need a napkin.
My favorite news feed is Nextdoor.com.
My purses keep getting bigger.
I lay my clothes out the night before so I don’t make “a horrible mistake” in a sleepy morning state.
I ask for samples for everything before I buy it. Even if they are not passing out samples.
Ginger ale and saltine crackers cure anything.
I scold my husband in the grocery store.
I have “wash days” for my hair and keep the bottom of my feet extra moisturized.
I tried not to turn into my mom, but damn, this perm looks amazing!
I got a wild story to tell you about my uncle. But first, let me go into a ridiculous amount of detail to set the story up, and then…wait, what was I saying?
I just heard this funny joke! It’s so funny that I’m hyperventilating from laughing too hard, and I will never get to the punchline.
Sharing is caring, and that is why I ask people about their bowel movements.
I bring Tupperware everywhere I go. Can’t let even a single parsley sprig go to waste.
When my son finishes fixing my printer, I’m going to ask him to help me figure out my TikTok account.
I mistake someone asking for directions with them wanting to know my whole life story.
I try to be helpful by wiping a smudge off someone’s face, only to realize it’s actually a pimple.
I love to drop by your house unannounced because I was in the neighborhood, but I live several towns over.
I really think if you give me a day, I can fix your marital problems. We don’t even have to know each other well.
Give me a month, and I will find you a fiance. Again, I don’t even have to know you well.
“You said you cleaned before I got here? Are you sure?”
Did you eat? Hey! Did you eat? DID YOU EAT? EAT! EAT! EAT! WHY WON’T YOU LET ME FEED YOU?!?!?!
Bad Momz of Comedy is a group of seriously hilarious women and moms. Founded by comic Orly K.G., Bad Momz is currently touring its all-mom comedy show around the country – Indianapolis, Chicago, and North Carolina.