Who says January has to be about self-improvement? Let’s rebel against the relentless pressure to change everything about ourselves with a satirical twist. Here’s a list of anti-resolutions for GenX women who are perfectly fine just as they are (thank you very much).
1. Eat carbs unapologetically.
The world runs on bread, bagels, and pasta, and so do we. Keto, who?
2. Turn your fitness tracker into a paperweight.
You know you walked today; you don’t need a vibrating wristband to guilt you.
3. Add more screens to your kids’ lives.
Double the devices means double the quiet. Who says screen time isn’t the best babysitter?
4. Take up a hobby you’ll never actually pursue.
Order supplies for knitting, painting, or roller derby—and then leave them in the box indefinitely.
5. Embrace the clutter.
Messy counters and junk drawers mean you’re busy living, not wasting time organizing your spice rack alphabetically.
6. Quit drinking water entirely.
Coffee, wine, and Diet Coke provide the hydration—and emotional support—you actually need.
7. Cancel your gym membership before it auto-renews.
Save $49 a month and spend it on something that actually brings you joy—like takeout.
8. Live in yoga pants without ever doing yoga.
They’re comfortable, stylish, and versatile. Actual yoga is optional, but binge-watching TV in them is mandatory.
9. Make your bed once a week.
And by “make,” we mean throw the comforter over the chaos and call it good enough.
10. Learn nothing new.
You’ve already mastered the internet, sarcasm, and making dinner out of three random pantry items. Enough said.
11. Ignore every email that starts with “We hope this email finds you well.” No, email, it didn’t. You just want me to do something. Delete.
12. Eat dessert first.
Life’s too short to save the good stuff for last. Start with cake and work backward.
13. Celebrate your body by doing absolutely nothing to change it.
It got you through the ‘80s, ‘90s, and beyond. That deserves appreciation, not resolutions.
14. Start a vision board entirely made of memes.
Your goals for 2024? To laugh more and care less about what everyone else thinks.
15. Text back… eventually.
You’re not ghosting; you’re just setting boundaries, one delayed response at a time.
16. Forget mindfulness.
Let your mind wander, daydream, or fixate on pointless stuff. Inner peace is overrated.
17. Ditch your morning routine.
Hit snooze, skip journaling, and embrace the chaos of rolling out of bed and winging it. It’s the new “self-care”.
18. Set your New Year’s goals to “low power mode.”
Accomplish the bare minimum and pat yourself on the back for keeping expectations real.
19. Refuse to Marie Kondo anything.
If it exists in your house, it sparks some kind of joy—or at least a memory of joy.
20. Declare every meal a “cheat meal.”
You can’t cheat at life if the whole menu is fair game. Pass the nachos.
21. Respond to Slack messages with a single emoji.
Efficiency is the new overachieving, and a thumbs-up is worth a thousand words.
22. Unapologetically re-gift.
That scented candle you hate? It’s someone else’s treasure now. Reduce, reuse, regift.
23. Lean into nostalgia.
Watch your favorite GenX movies, crank the mixtape, and pretend adulting isn’t real for a while.
24. Celebrate the holiday weight gain.
That winter layer kept you warm—and provided extra padding during couch marathons.
25. Adopt a plant just to watch it thrive… for a week.
A fern is a lesson in impermanence you didn’t know you needed.
26. Plan a vacation you’ll never actually take.
Create Pinterest boards, research flights, and then forget about it. The planning is the fun part, anyway.
27. Read self-help books ironically.
Highlight the nonsense, laugh at the advice, and enjoy the fact that you’re not actually trying.
28. Buy candles that smell like cookies.
Why bake when the scent of cookies is enough to fool everyone in your house?
29. Embrace your resting bitch face.
It keeps unnecessary conversations at bay and is a public service in grocery store aisles everywhere.
30. Break one rule just for the fun of it.
Whether it’s skipping laundry day or eating dessert for breakfast, rebellion keeps life interesting.
31. Resolve to resolve nothing.
You’re perfect as you are. Let the world adjust—it’s their problem, not yours.
Who needs resolutions when you’ve survived decades of mullets, dial-up internet, and shoulder pads? Let’s ditch the guilt-ridden self-improvement to-do list this year and embrace the perfectly imperfect chaos that makes us GenX.
Life’s too short for kale smoothies and vision boards—so pour the wine, light that cookie-scented candle, and let’s toast to doing exactly what we want. Cheers to an unapologetic 2025!