There are two kinds of adults – The ones who grew up in a “hang-out” house and the ones who didn’t, and they usually marry each other. This is most certainly true for me and my husband. We grew up differently in general, but it became even more evident while we raise a teenager together.
My house (during childhood and beyond) was always buzzing with activity. Between my brother and I, we had a revolving door of friends over any given day of the week. When I tell you that my mother was revered by my friends I am not exaggerating. She still is. She’s the quintessential cool mom. Not the one from the Mean Girls, Amy Poehler trope who tries too hard and gets walked all over by her bratty kids. My mom dressed cool, had long (usually red) acrylic nails, listened to popular music instead of the oldies station, and is still one of the most fun people I know.
We had quite literally an open-door policy and people used it. Can a friend sleepover? YES! Can a friend stay for dinner? ABSOLUTLEY Can a friend come to our holiday dinner? OF COURSE! I don’t’ ever remember hearing no when inviting people to join us for anything and my parents always exuded the more the merrier vibe. We constantly hung out there because all of my friends felt comfortable, and it didn’t hurt that we had the best snacks. I have vivid memories sitting outside in my backyard with high school / college friends (probably after we just smoked a joint in someone’s car) and she would come out with a tray of snacks and give us the “I’m onto you but glad you are hanging out here instead of driving around” look.
Now as a mom that’s my house, but it’s so new for my husband that sometimes he cannot wrap his head around the dynamic. One night, my teenager and her friends walked into our bedroom, plopped right down on our bed and began to debrief after a night out. To me, this was normal. To my husband, not so much. He was shocked that they were comfortable enough to barge right in while we were watching TV and getting ready to go to sleep. Never having experienced moments like that during his teenage years he didn’t know how to embrace it.
Once I explained that they do it because they are comfortable in our home and in our presence and that’s why they are here so much, it clicked. Teenagers can be dicey (even the good ones so don’t live in denial, babe.) The fact that my teenager WANTS to be home and have her friends here too is a huge parenting win in my opinion. The more she’s home, the less she is getting involved in whatever debauchery teenagers are into. I turned to my husband who was still shook from teens sitting on our comforter moments earlier and said, “The more our girls choose to be under our roof, with or without a posse, the better because we know they are safe.” He totally agreed.
Sometimes he still looks at me funny when I say yes to three or four friends sleeping over at a time. Probably because he knows nothing out growing up in a house where my mother had 30 plus 7-year-olds sleepover for my birthday. I can still visualize the plastic table clothes spread all over the floor for pizza and cake, and then everyone climbing into their sleeping bags like happy little sardines in my living room. They even created a separate space for us in the den (read: refinished garage) complete with bean bags, couches, neon lights and the appropriate amount of privacy. It doesn’t stop there for me either. Beyond a hangout house, I come from a hangout family. All of us, including aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. love to be together for longer than most families can stand each other. When we get to be in the same place, it’s not uncommon to start the party in the morning and keep it going until our eyes start to involuntarily close.
He’s finally embracing it and even getting involved. Whenever there are boys over and they hear about his sneaker obsession, he gives them a little tour of his impressive collection, and he makes sure the drink refrigerator in our garage is fully stocked with everything from coconut water to soda. It’s earned him major street cred. We also happen to have one of the best snack pantries in town. It’s something I’m proud of, not just because of everything in it, but also because of how organized and aesthetically pleasing it is (tell me you have ADHD without telling me).
In my almost 17 years as a parent, with my own hang out house in the rear view, I’ve learned a few things. By far one of the greatest lessons is the impact of making your house that house. I say yes, a lot to having kids in my home because I love it but it’s also strategic. The more my kid is comfortable in her own home, the more she will bring friends around. The more they are at my home, the less they are out in the wild doing stupid shit. It’s as simple as that and I will die on this hill.
I’ll never not have a hang-out house and highly recommend. Go stock up on snacks, get to know your kids’ friends so you know who they are spending time with, and enjoy the bedroom debriefs because they are pretty awesome.
Rachel Sobel is an award-winning writer, author, speaker, do-over wife and mom to two girls. She is also the creator and cohost of the lifestyle podcast, Friends Without Benefits alongside the Miami Heat in-arena host, Uptown Dale. Rachel has appeared on NPR, The Doctors, The Tamron Hall Show and The Kelly Clarkson Show (Rachel is still not fully recovered from Kelly calling her hilarious on national television). Her Instagram account, @whineandcheezits has garnered more than 100K followers and has become a community of women who rely on each other to commiserate about life, marriage, kids and now more than ever, middle age!
